love this song – “10,000 angels”

was sitting and listening to itunes while i tried to clean some things out of my life and this song came on through shuffle. i am so blessed that even in my uncertainty, brokenness, and struggles there is a Lord pursuing me. that this pursuit began before my very birth when Jesus died on the cross for myself and all those who have offended me. this is a lesson to learn — love has come, love has come for ME. love has come, love has come for YOU. i might not be there yet, but healing is at my doorstop knocking. sometimes opening the door can be the hardest thing. it may take sometime, but i have faith. i was made to love and it is meant for that love to be returned.

Words and Music by Sandra McCracken. c2002 Same Old Dress Music (admin. by music services) all rights reserved. ASCAP

how long you have traveled in darkness weeping
no rest in language, no words to speak
but there in the wreckage beneath bricks and bindings
love has come, love has come for you

against the night sky of your waiting
your face is like starlight when he walks in
everything worth keeping comes through dying
love has come, love has come for you

so lift up your heart now, to this unfolding
all that has been broken will be restored
here runs deep waters for all who are thirsty
love has come, love has come for you

ten thousand angels will light your pathway
until the day breaks fully in the East
they will surround you and make your way straight
love has come, love has come for you
love has come, love has come for you

The human heart weighs approximately nine to eleven ounces but it can feel light as a feather or heavy as an anvil.  I recently had a dream where I swam out to sea and sunk below the surface.  The beat of my heart sounded like crashing waves and my mind was lost in trying to count the sands of an unknown shoreline.  I feel as if this heart of mine has been plucked from within me and passed around with carelessness.  Yet, perhaps, I am the fool for giving it so willingly.  I lay my hand on my chest just to feel the rhythm of that muscle which never fails in its strength though I sometimes wish it would.  I need to make sure it is still there, safely locked behind the bars of my ribcage.  I do not want to be empty inside.  It beats on, just as the clock ticks forward.  One day with a sigh of relief, for a life well lived, or simply due to weary travels, my heart will stop.  Time will not.  I hope when that day comes I am not alone and someone will remember me.

My Grandfather’s Compass

My grandfather was a soft-spoken man who would observe quietly from the side of the room.  He had few grand words but spoke volumes with his actions and communicated love loudly to everyone.  I try to show love to others with the same amount of humility and genuine caring that my grandfather did.  He was a sailor and loved the coast but was also a man who loved the mountains.  He was a man beautifully weathered by the ups and downs of this life.  He loved his family.  He loved his Lord.  Shortly before his death he gave me a compass.

He told me, “Take this compass and keep it safe.  Bring it out when you are being tossed around in a storm at sea with no land in sight, no idea where safe harbor lies, and are scared to death.”

He handed me the compass with a knowing smile.  “With the right direction you can always set your course straight,” he said.  “No matter where you are, you can always find your way home again.”

I knew how much he loved me, but this was the most direct piece of advice he had ever given.  I am in love with the metaphors that images of the compass and the sea bring me.  Just as the needle of a compass moves by an unseen force to point North, the forces that guide us in our lives often go unseen.  It is God, family, and true friends, that point the way to safe harbor.  Things like the lessons of a grandfather, lessons that go echoing into eternity because he loved so purely, that point the way.

Shortly before his death my grandfather gave me a compass… but he had taught me the lesson of the compass long before I possessed such a symbolic object – it is love that guides us all home.

in the midst of such fury – free write

you jumped ship mid-voyage.  i asked you what was wrong, but your lips were sewn shut.  my heart cried out out to you but you still had to leave.  my love was so true.

i fall asleep wishing i could feel you.  smell you.  trust you.  love you.

i miss you voice.  your touch.  yoursmile.your laugh.  yourwarmthyourhandsyourkiss.

i wonder, do you ever miss me?  do you wonder why?  what could have been?  or are you simply glad i am gone?  i am terrified you sigh with relief.  i almost hoped i was crying out to deaf ears, but you just chose not to hear.  i feel so ugly and disposable but i know my true worth rests elsewhere.  i cannot understand — even though i do understand.

sun sinks below the horizon and night brings hushed, whispered thoughts.  sometimes i hear the echo of your heartbeat … only to wake as memories lap against a beach set against an ocean full of tears.

so, i set sail.  i surrender to my Master’s plan.  i will set my compass to my Maker’s course.  through the storm and tossed by waves i will follow the sun beyond the horizon.  i have faith and i feel hope.  sometimes the only way is to weather the storm.

i am so small in the midst of such fury.

but my God, i know You have a plan.  let Your calm, Your peace, Your love envelope my trembling body. remind me i am beautiful because i am Yours.  i am special because You made me.  i am loved.  i am pursued. You chased my soul when You died for me on the cross.

i am sorry i am lost in the memory of a lover so less deserving than You.

so, i cut through these mounting waves and know this journey has only begun.  the salt stings these open wounds but there is healing in this pain.  i look to Your compass and hang on tight.  with the light of tomorrow comes another day.

yet, i still miss him.  i still wish he was at my side because i know we could have done it together.  i know i was not meant to sail alone.

“The Shining Barrier” – “A Severe Mercy”

A long time ago I read a book titled A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken.  Recently I was cleaning my room and came across my old copy.  Dog-eared was the page which contains the following poem.  The book is all about love.  It is about the love between Sheldon and his wife Davy.  The two of them came up with the concept of “The Shining Barrier”.  The idea is that we need to create a wall, a shining barrier, in our relationships that protects the growth of a tree of love.  Sheldon and Davy agree that the secret to love is sharing.

The Shining Barrier

This present glory, love, once-given grace,

The sum of blessing in a sure embrace,

Must not creeping seperateness decline

But be the centre of the whole design.

We know it’s love that keeps a love secure,

And only by love of love can love endure,

For self’s a killer, reckless cost,

And loves of lilactime unloved are lost.

We build our altar, then, to love and keep

The holy flame alight and never sleep:

This darling love shall deepen year by year,

And dearer shall we grow who are so dear.

The magic word is sharing: every stream

Of beauty, every faith and grief and dream;

Go hand in hand in gay companionship –

In sober death no sundering of the grip.

And into love all other loveliness

That we can tease from time we will impress:

Slow dawns and lilacs, traceries of the trees,

The spring and poems, stars and ancient seas.

This splendour is upon us, high and pure

As heaven” and we swear it shall endure:

Swear fortitude for pain and faith for tears

To hold our shining barrier down the years.

-Sheldon & Davy –

They go on to explain what the Shining Barrier is:

The Shining Barrier – the shield of our love. A walled garden. A fence around a young tree to keep the deer from nibbling it. An fortified place with the walls and watchtowers gleaming white like the cliffs of England. The Shining Barrier – we called it so from the first – protecting the green tree of our love. And yet in another sense, it was our love itself, made strong within, that was the Shining Barrier…

The killer of love is creeping separateness. Inloveness is a gift of the gods, but then it is up to the lovers to cherish or to ruin. Taking love for granted, especially after marriage. Ceasing to do things together. Finding separate interests. ‘We’ turning into ‘I’. Self. Self-regard: what I want to do. Actual selfishness only a hop away. This was the way of creeping separateness. And in the modern world, especially in the cities, everything favoured it. The man going off to his office; the woman staying home with the children – her children – or perhaps having a different job. The failure of love might seem to be caused by hate or boredom or unfaithfulness with a lover; but those were results. First came creeping separateness: the failure behind the failure.

We raised the Shining Barrier against creeping separateness, which was, in the last analysis, self. We also raised it against a world of indecencies and decaying standards, the decline of courtesy, the whispering mockers of love. We would have our own standards. And, above all, we would be us-centered, not self-centered. Against creeping separateness we would oppose the great principle of sharing. We saw self as the ultimate danger to love…

Creeping separateness and sharing were opposite sides of one coin. We rejected separate activities, whether bridge or shooting or sailing, because they would lead to creeping separateness; on the other hand, if one of us liked anything, the other, in the name of sharing, must learn to like it too…

Yet, as Sheldon learns, sometimes the love we have for the people in our lives can come before the love we are supposed to have for God.  It is only after his wife’s death that Sheldon truly comes to love God first and feel that love in return.  It is an act of mercy – a severe mercy.

Another important passage:

The ‘Appeal to Love’ was an essential part of the very structure of the Shining Barrier. What it meant was simply this question: what will be best for our love? Should one of us change a pattern of behaviour that bothered the other, or should the other learn to accept? Well, which would be better for our love? Which way would be better, in any choice or decision, in the light of our single goal: to be in love as long as life might last? No argument could prevail against it. The Appeal to Love was like a trumpet call from the battlements of the Shining Barrier, causing us to lift our eyes from the immediate desires to what was truly important…

I hope to one day find a love similar to that of Sheldon and Davy.  I want to find the one who I can build a Shining Barrier with and SHARE my life –a man who will communicate with me, share my interests, and who will expect the same from me.  I want a love that does not get lost in the petty little issues but focuses on the things that are most important.  A companionship where we each ask the question, “What will be best for my love?”  The word “love” here means two things to me; love in reference to calling my partner “my love” and love as encompassing romantic attachment.   I want a relationship with someone where we are both seeking the Lord individually and together.

However, similar to Sheldon, I am experiencing a loss of love that leaves me aching to my core.  Yet, it is in this absence, loss, and pain that I am experiencing my own “severe mercy.”  God is revealing his love to me daily and I realize that I was prioritizing someone else over Him.  Sometimes when we love people too much it cannot be reconciled with the love we have for God.  I am being reminded that God needs the throne of my heart.

I do not know what the future holds, but I have hope…

I Don’t Want Medication

Currently listening to Derek Webb’s album I See Things Upside Down.  Derek Webb was introduced to me in the summer of 2006 by some very good friends of mine at Camp Pecometh.  If you have not listened to his music, you should!  I was struck by the song Medication, which I have heard numerous times before, but only now do I find myself truly beginning to understand.  The lyrics are as follows:

don’t lie to me
tell me something true
’cause i’m only free
when i look at you

and you look so good it hurts
and love, i come undone

but i don’t want medication
just give me liberation
even if it cuts my legs right out from underneath
don’t give me medication
i want the real sensation
even when living feels just like death to me

don’t paint my face
i need to see the scars
so i don’t forget
the back of my tutor’s arm

’cause i just can’t keep it straight
which kills and which one saves

but i don’t want medication
just give me liberation
even if it cuts my legs right out from underneath
don’t give me medication
i want the real sensation
even when living feels just like death to me

’cause the truth is i need you just like the air i breathe
just like a freight train needs the tracks beneath
so i’d rather suffer my whole life and be this rich man’s wife
if loving you means suffering

Life is full of ups and downs, but through all of this we have God, a constant who will not lie to us or let us down.  Standing in midst of His perfection I am aware of all that I have done and even in all of my sins, God’s love is so strong that I am made whole  The truth of this unravels me with awe.  Yet, there are times in my life where I am crying out to God because I selfishly feel forsaken.

I am realizing that sometimes the pain is a necessary and important part of the plan.  It does not mean God does not care about the struggles I am going through.  I hope this song can be a prayer of mine.

Lord, I do not want a simple band-aid solution.  I know that a simple solution will make me feel better now, but that the real work, the nitty-gritty-hard-stuff won’t change.  I want a change deep down within the depths of me.  If I have to lose these things that I think I love, I will do it. Do not just fix the surface Lord, even it means I have to suffer and bear the scars of these trials, teach me what it means gain liberation through pain.

Lord, I am lost and confused, and sometimes I cannot even tell anymore what things are helping me or hurting me.  But, “the truth is I need you, just like the air I breathe.”  I want to change Lord.  I understand that this might mean the path is difficult.  Help me to embrace the pain of refinement.  I would rather “suffer” my whole life than live behind a facade or “married” to the world’s agenda for me.

I don’t want medication, just give me liberation.  Amen.

Sprinting Down a Dirt Road

Recently I went to Turkey Point State Park, just beyond North East Maryland,  with a dear friend of mine.  It is probably one of my favorite places to go and visit.  You walk down a trail, through the woods, and come out on a bluff where an old lighthouse overlooks water for miles.  It is beautiful.  I always feel a sense of peace and serenity when I am enjoying nature.  Often, the times when I am closest with the Lord involve an overwhelming realization at the elegance of creation.  My friend and I were both speaking about the trials in our lives and how we each have strayed from the path we had hoped to walk.  We began discussing our Christian faith and how we are believers but feel as if God is not central in our daily lives.  This is what I said to her…

When I was younger I always had a very difficult time understanding the story of the Prodigal Son.  In my family, I felt like the child who stayed at home and followed the responsible route while my older sibling was the one to go throw away his inheritance so to speak.  I thought the ending of this famous parable was unfair.  How could the father allow his boy to return with great celebration after all his son had done?  I sympathized with the older son in the story, the one who resented the party thrown in the honor of his younger brother’s return.

It is only recently that I realized we are all that younger son — I am that younger son.  We have all turned our backs on our Father at one time or another.   I have turned my gaze from the loving face of an eternal Father to worldly pleasures.  I have gotten so caught up in my own life that I have forgotten that my primary goal is to live this life for the betterment of the Kingdom of God.  This gift of life is not about what I consider to be success, fun, and things of importance.  (Of course God wants us to be happy and successful.)  Rather, it is about godly relationships.  Perhaps in the eyes of those around me, my sins are not severe.  But, I hope to not set my standard by worldly eyes.  I hope to not determine my ‘goodness’ based on the standard set by a fallen earth.

In the Prodigal Son, the father sees his boy returning from a distance.  He then goes out to meet him.  I tried to play this scene out in my mind and the visualization of it brought a huge smile to my face.  Imagine an old man standing on a hill looking out into the distance and there, still far away, he sees his child cresting a hill, covered in shame and sin, coming home.  The father does not stand there and wait until the son gets to him, he goes out to meet him.  I can see it.  I can see this old, weathered man, sprinting down a dirt road to reach his boy.  I can see the sweat on his brow.  I can see his dirty, dust covered feet.  I can see the tears on his face as he is running.  I can feel the joy in his heart as he celebrates the return of his lost and wayward son.

I am a daughter of Christ and I have decided to journey toward the home of my Father.  I am broken, dirty, and ashamed at the places I have been.  Yet, I am cresting a hill and I see my Father in the distance and he is already running toward me.  He is sprinting down a dirt road to meet me where I am and wrap me in His mighty arms.  He is still bobbing in the distance but I can make-out the dust of His trail.  With each footstep and beat of my heart I draw nearer to the place where I belong.

Love is the answer.

Chapter 1

My father always told me that we all have a story inside of us just waiting to be told.  As a girl I wondered what genre the tale of my life would be – comedy, tragedy, drama.  I never imagined love would become the primary theme of my plot.  Do not believe everything I am saying to you because reality is how we perceive it and memories can be as slippery as moss-covered stones.  But, I am telling you the truth.

—

When I meet my Lord in Heaven I hope to fall into His mighty arms and cry out “Abba!  Papa!  I am finally home.”